Siblingage.

"Our relation is our demise, I have come to see that we will never be.
Life has counted us out, we have both moved on.
Moving forward through life, as if neither has existed.
What we aspire to be, is only a dream."

When you think about your relationship with family, it should not feel so afflictive. The day I can feel like I have a sister again, will be the day I feel complete. I have gone through majority of my life without my father, 2 of my (living) grandparents, and my sister. I was hurt, I put it past me and tried to refuel my relationship with my sister. I feel like everything is one-sided. I feel like nothing will ever be good between us. We fought as kids, and I felt that was just us being stubborn sisters. We apparently never grew out of it. We are on conflicting sides, and do not agree on a single thing. We have nothing in common, except our mother and last name, which shall change in 6 months. In 6 months, I will have nothing more than our mother as a thread to hold on to with my sister. She blatently reveals her disconcern with "most things Ashley". Having nowhere to run, without running into a wall, is aching to my heart. I figure I will use this as my outlet. With chance she will find it, and maybe see how I feel inside. Though she will likely be unhappy...she will know that I feel like we are lost at sea. I love her as much as I can possibly love a human being. It breaks my heart that I do not feel she loves me in return. I see the relationship between Ash and his brother, Tom. It is one to look up too. They are so close, as most of his family is. They enjoy spending time with eachother, regardless of the hour commute between the two. I also admire Jocelyn and her relationship with her siblings who range from 17 to 29. I know she and her sister bicker and argue at times, but they care about eachother and enjoy time together. My friend April as well. April's sisters and brothers range from age 18 to 28 (29 next month)...they all hang out and have a great time with eachother. My own sister even hangs out with her 1 year old step-sister more than me. I know I sound pathetic...but I just need to admit my hurt. I really do not want to feel this way. When I try to explain to my sister how I feel, she turns the page over and tries to make me feel bad/worse than I already do. She puts up a sheild, and will not allow me to express my feelings honestly. So then I hurt inside. Hiding behind that shield will only make matters worse. I feel that either she is ashamed to be my sister or her father probably gives her hell for talking to me. He cannot handle his own life properly, so he has to affect everyone around him. I know that he has come between us. I am not at fault for that though. He is the one who needs to gain some maturity and ethics. I do want to get into him though, he is not worth my thoughts. I keep him out of my as to keep my sanity :). I do not want her out of my life though, but on the other hand--I don't want to feel unappreciated. It is all so frustrating.

Ash and I will be going to his brother's house tonight to hang out with them. Jocelyn has been a great sister to me since I have met her. We fight..but we make up soon after we realize our stubborness. Jocelyn and I are both very sensitive people, and tend to get mad at eachothers insensitivity..which is bound to happen, but we get over it. I love her for always being there for me. Ash's cousins are also always here for me, I really appreciate their existance in my life.

Anyways...

We are going to the cottage with Ash's family this weekend, it should be fun! BBQ, Tent sleeping, and fires. Mmm...